Common warning signs may include their house being unkept; a stack of unpaid bills, or they might have withdrawn from relationships and activities they once enjoyed.
If you find yourself in this situation, ask yourself if they are safe. If not, get them into a stable and safe situation immediately. That is always the top priority.
If safety is not an immediate concern, you can start the helping process by working with your loved one’s doctors to determine why they are struggling. Symptoms like confusion, forgetfulness, and delirium can be reversed when caused by issues like dehydration, having a urinary tract infection, or an interaction between medications. Similar symptoms can also be caused by diseases, like dementia, that cannot be reversed. Understanding the differences will help you find better solutions.
If your loved one is cognitively able, they will almost always decide whether to move. In these situations, the role of adult children is to support decision-making in ways their parents find helpful. A good rule of thumb is to always ask a question before taking control of an issue.
Good Communication: Empathy and Understanding
There is one big relationship landmine to avoid: when children push their parents to make a choice the children think is right.
When this happens, the results are predictable. Parents will limit honest communication, resist their child’s involvement, and not listen to their advice. You want to help avoid this dynamic!
Instead, we suggest focusing on understanding how your parents see their situation. Ask open-ended questions to explore issues relevant to this situation.
Important Questions to Ask
Questions could include the following:
- Safety: Have they fallen in the home? Are they concerned about falling? Are they concerned about crime?
- Loneliness and isolation: How much time do they spend alone? How much time do they spend enjoying hobbies or time with friends and family? Do they get out of the house much? Are they aware of how loneliness and isolation impact their physical and cognitive health?
- Nutrition: Do they skip meals? Are they losing weight? Does the work involved with cooking outweigh the need for good nutrition?
- Upkeep: What can they manage? What can’t they manage? What do they want to manage?
- The home: How does living in this home contribute to their quality of life? How is it a hindrance? How will it be to be in this home as they get older?
- Thoughts on moving: Do they think about change? What options sound good? How well do you think you are on what options are available? When you think about change, when do you think you would make it? What kind of house and community would you enjoy if you had a magic wand?
Pros and Cons of Moving
Once you’ve listened, try summarizing what you heard. This allows your parents to provide more information if your understanding is incomplete or inaccurate. It can be helpful to assist them in writing a pros and cons list. The pros side could include things about their home that work well. The cons may include things about their house that doesn’t support their quality of their life.
The situations that are challenging can be seen as clues about what your parents want. For example, if your mom can no longer maintain the home, it means she wants a maintenance-free living. If she believes she is too sedentary, it means she wants to live where it will be easy to exercise.
For change to happen, your parent or loved one needs to feel life would be better if they made a change, and they need to think that they can make it. Don’t underestimate the anxiety that moving and downsizing can cause.
Final Thoughts on This process:
Adult children are in a different stage of their lives than their parents. Many are still working. They have less time and want efficient solutions. That will not happen in this process. This is an emotional decision as much as a logical one. For people who need assistance, the decision-making process typically takes three to four months. For healthier people, the decision-making process is closer to a year.
Those of us in the industry use the phrase, “Go slow to go fast.” We have learned that by listening and taking smaller steps, we get to the end of the process faster than making a push and causing the process to get off track.
Finally, listening and working from your parent’s perspective is respectful. It honors their capability and makes it more likely that the decisions will be positive for them.
